Some years ago I realized that I suffer from anxiety and depression. Mental diseases are generally less understood compared to physical ones, although living with any disease, either physical or mental, is painful and uncomfortable. It is not easy to describe what feels like to live with these mental diseases, as I have been living with them for so long. Maybe I have had them my entire life and have come to identify the diseases as part of me - part of my own personalities or identities.

I can feel anxious in almost any situation. Usually it involves dealing with people ("social anxiety") or doing activities such as travel or work. Of course almost everyone may feel anxious in certain situations (for example, public speeches or job interviews) but I think my problem is feeling anxious almost all the time, including sometimes when I am sitting at home doing nothing. I am "restless" most of the time. I can''''t and don''''t know how to relax almost all the time, even when I am on vacation, or during sleep, which is why I dislike vacations and seldom sleep well.

Depression is a slightly different animal. It feels like living under and being enveloped by endless dim, gray clouds. You feel unhappy, yet can''''t tell why. Sometimes there are triggers to pinpoint to but sometimes the dark cloud hits for no apparent reason. I get irritable and angry easily, but most often I just want to avoid dealing with anyone and doing anything, as if anyone or anything, regardless of who or what it is, can make me feel only worse. The problem is, being left alone, does not automatically make me feel better either.

(to be continued)