No more yes-woman

Kowtowing to others is bad for your mind and body. Here's how to say no effectively.From Sunny Sea Gold, from Lifetimetv.com


Yes-woman: A person who agrees with everything that is said; especially one who endorses or supports without criticism every opinion or proposal of an associate or superior. (Merriam-Webster's Dictionary)

Sound familiar? OK, maybe you're not that bad. But even the strongest woman is programmed by society to bend over backward to please others, according to Marion Rudin Frank, Ph.D., a Philadelphia psychologist who specializes in self-esteem. "'Be nice' is what we've been told. If we say no, we think people won't like us," she says.

Unfortunately, if you say yes too often, you may wind up not liking yourself. After all, one of the key elements of self-esteem is being able to assert yourself and voice your opinions, says Dr. Frank. Constantly playing second fiddle can also be bad for your physical health. That's because kowtowing will sooner or later cause you to feel resentful, angry, hurt or frazzled. Those strong emotions generate a spike in the stress hormone cortisol, which has been linked to heart disease, stomach disorders, immunity problems and even cancer.

Luckily, you can learn to put your foot down without offending people or making enemies. The key to successful assertiveness, says Frank, is to figure out what you really want, let go of intense emotions surrounding the issue, and then calmly and directly speak your mind.

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It seems strange that even in 2003, women have to be reminded how to say no. "We haven't been trained for it," says Frank. "But becoming assertive is just a matter of getting used to doing it. The more you do it, the easier it gets." Read on for some tips on shedding your yes-woman mantle.

Say no at the office
Your boss has just added another task to your gigantic workload. Your stomach convulses, your head swims. Hello, cortisol! In a survey published in the Journal of the American Medical Women's Association, 60% of women said stress on the job was their biggest problem. That's why every employee -- even the office star -- needs to learn how to say no.

In this scenario, Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., a psychologist in Valley Stream, New York, suggests giving a solution-oriented answer rather than flat-out rejecting your boss's suggestion. "Say something like, 'My plate is pretty full, but how about if I take over part of that new project, and we delegate the rest to the office assistant? She's great at that kind of organizing,'" she says. By being clear and firm while also coming up with a solution, you are doubly demonstrating your strength and clear thinking -- and that makes you look good even when you're saying no.

Stand up to a friend
Say a pal borrowed $20 from you weeks ago and keeps forgetting to pay you back. Don't write it off, or you may end up resenting her and harming your friendship. Instead, ask for your money in a straightforward way that's not aggressive or accusing, such as: "You probably totally forgot, but you borrowed $20 from me. Do you have it?"

The same approach works with acquaintances. "I have a patient who is really irritated by her neighbor's barking dog. She's never said anything about it, and the resentment has built up until she can't even look at her neighbor anymore," says Frank. "I suggested she say, 'You probably don't realize this, but your dog's barking really bothers me. Is there anything you can do?'" On the other hand, people tend to appreciate and respond to a straightforward approach; being evasive and eventually blowing up can do serious damage to your relationships.

Say no to your brood
It can be hard to refuse those you love the most. But it's especially important to learn to say no to your children, says Dr. Sapadin -- and not just when they're begging for Lucky Charms at the grocery store. If your kids disrespect you, your stress will skyrocket. "And you're creating a monster!" Sapadin adds. Consistently asserting yourself will make your children more responsive to "no" in the future, making it easier for you to deal with them and helping them learn to deal better with the many no's they'll face in life.

If you find that a stern "no" doesn't work, try turning your directive into a suggestion or a learning opportunity. For example, instead of simply saying, "You can't have Cocoa Puffs," say, "I think you should eat a cereal with less sugar in it. Why don't you and I try to pick out a more healthful one?" It won't always be easy to put your foot down, but it's important to do so before your emotions boil over and you're the one behaving badly!

Say no to your man
It's Friday night and your boyfriend wants to go see the latest action movie, even though that's the kind of flick you've seen on your last three trips to the cineplex. You, on the other hand, are itching to see a light comedy. Even though this is a trivial matter, you need to speak up, because once you learn to say no in simple situations, it's easier in sticky ones -- like when you tell him you'd rather he didn't meet up with his ex for a drink after work.

"You need to say no to your man without irritation or anger. Approach it like a negotiation," says Sapadin. "Say, 'The more I think about it, the more I realize I would rather see "Bend It Like Beckham." We've gone to three action movies -- don't you think it's time for a chick flick?" When you put it like that, most men will respond in a positive way, because they're natural negotiators and will perceive you as they tend to perceive themselves -- as rational rather than emotional.