Dear cute-wheat,

First of all, I’d like to thank you very much for creating this thread; you have provided us so much information, tips, interesting stories, encouragement, etc. etc. I can’t thank you enough and I really appreciate for all the things you and other girls shared here in the post.

The saddest thing is that, I think I actually read part of this post when you started it back in 2012, at that time, I started to have problems with my marriage (well, to be honest, I have had issues way back when I was dating my ex-husband, I believe I have made almost every mistake a dumb girl possible could with dating n marriage throughout the years). Now looking back, it’s so freaking pathetic. Anyways, at that time, after I read your post, I was thinking, waaa, what an amazing post, so many things you girls talked about made so much sense, you girls seemed so cool and I’d like to be one of you girls. Then after I shut off the huaren app, I went back to crying (sadly asking “god” why my marriage couldn’t go back to how it was) and calling my friends asking for help while not really doing what they suggested. I guess one of the very few things I learned here was that I did buy and read some of the books you recommended (tao of dating, why men love/marry bXitches, the five love languages etc, and I loved every one of them. I have bought a few other books and they were just alright, some I didn’t even finish).

I finally divorced my ex late last year, found a new job (though with much lower pay), moved to a new city, my parents bought a new house for me and they moved to US and live with me now. For the whole winter, I thought I was over with my ex, then I realized that I didn’t (another dumb thing).

I created an account on coffee meets bagel (before I started to re-read this post), at least I was “smart” enough to know (guess that’s another thing I had vague memory about after having read this post in 2012) that I shouldn’t start a conversation and should wait until a guy to come and talk to me. A few guys made contact, and I didn’t even bother to reply (that’s when I realized that I wasn’t over my ex yet and that I should start to get my shXt together and move on). Then a few weeks ago, a guy from HK contacted me and asked me out, I liked the way he looks so we made arrangements and had our first and only meetup in a movie theater. I thought it went well, but obviously not that well since he never asked me out again, which I don’t really mind. And that’s when I thought of this post and wanted to re-read everything discussed here. So I spent the past 2 weeks, slowly reading and taking in all the information here, and I’m so grateful that I did it.

One of the things that touches me most is what you said about being confident/happy from within. I can remember that back in 2012 when I read this post for the first time (as I said, I don’t think I have read the whole thread and lots of follow-up discussions), I took it as “as long as I believe in myself, I think and stay positive, then the good things (guys) will come”. Well, it’s kinda of true, to some extent. But I didn’t realize that you need to make effort, to try your best, to really improve yourself, and then, you will gain confidence from positive feedbacks/outcomes after you better yourself. You can’t just stay in bed, read posts on the forum, not get your ass up to take pictures, to work on your profiles, to read more and expand your interest, and “wait” for the right guy to fall in love with you. And in one of your more recent updates, you mentioned that before you would say sth like “you deserve someone better”, now you think that “you deserve exactly what you get”. I couldn’t agree more. For example, I read the same post in 2012, I had problems with my ex, I knew that I should have left him way back when (with what I have learned from you and my own miserable experience, I should have dumped him even when we were dating), I let him take me for granted and walked all over me like a doormat. BUT, I couldn’t have divorced him. Not necessary mentally (at that time), it’s more because I wasn’t “ready” (ok, I know it sounds like an excuse). I couldn’t drive (always had to ask him to take me to places, he taught me and led me into the career I had from 2010-2015, which later in my opinion that I became better at our job than him), I couldn’t find a job (at least not easily, its complicated, don’t wanna get into details), basically, I couldn’t really stay alive (I exaggerated here, but you know what I’m saying) and make a living in the U.S. and I didn’t want go back to China (I have always enjoyed life abroad, and I don’t like the working/living environment in China, just personal preference). But in 2015, I got really good at driving (I love driving on highway), I learned how to take care of things (just small things like how to rent an apartment, how to buy a car, how to ask for help, or even how to do well in an interview and land a decent job). So at least, physically, I was “ready”. Sadly, I have been brainwashed by him for so many years (eg, why not just live in the moment, don’t need to plan for the future, why can’t you just be happy with what we have, I have been a much better husband than my grandpa and my dad, etc etc.). Didn’t you say sth like if you stay too long with losers, you lose the ability to distinguish the losers (not verbatim). That’s how I was in early 2015. Thankfully, my mom decided to come to U.S. and pushed hard to encourage me to leave him (my mom has always been a great life mentor though I have been dumb/stubborn enough not to listen to her advice). I took my mom and my belongs and left him to another city, and filed divorced there. I later found a new job, gained more confidence but still trapped in the past, until the wakening call. I’m really grateful to the HK boy, he was a real gentleman, polite, easy to talk to, etc, he made me feel good about myself. That’s why I couldn’t agree more that the easiest way to get over with your ex is to go out and date new guys.

Obviously, I have learned a whole lot more than what I have written here, but I just wanna share this with you (and many other girls like me who were/are troubled by failed relationships). I don’t wanna act like a drama queen and say that “oh dear cute-wheat, you saved me, you turned my life around”, I simply wanna thank you from deep of my heart and want you to know that you and all those wonderful gals who shared your wisdom in this post have helped me in a tremendous way, I want you to know that you didn’t waste your time typing every word on this public forum. I know it’s still too early to say that you will lead me to success in the dating department, I’m sure that I will still make mistakes, maybe even dumb ones, but I will always come back and re-read the things discussed here and learn from my or others’ mistakes and go from there. (You can’t go back and change how the story started, but you can always start now and change how it ends.) I have bought a few more books you recommended in these past two weeks, and will start to read them since I finally finished reading this post last night.

Last but not least, is it too late to ask for the promo code for the shampoo that you recommended? I have always had hair loss issue. Thank you.

PS, I think it’s gonna be your birthday soon, right? I remember you said you are Aries. Happy 30th birthday to you and hope you will have a great wedding this year. (I’m a 1985 Sagittarius, thank god I don’t feel pressured to have to get married or have baby before XX years old.)

PPS, I will start a new post a bit later once I start to use match.com and share my thoughts/experience on this forum. Adivice and critiques are very much welcomed and appreaciated!

Thank you.

小麦，谢谢你写给我的话。 关于过程: 人到30真的觉得很多事想开了许多。最近老妈会有点类似旁敲侧击问我们么时候结婚么时候生小孩的问话，很难不被她的言语影响到开始觉得有点焦躁。其实我非常享受现在跟他在一起的感觉，我们认识这三个多月以来，从一开始对他profile不怎么感兴趣，到慢慢互相了解互相吸引真的是一个很美妙的过程。而且就算他不是the one又怎样，起码我们现在是开心的。而且我并非一定要小孩，这样也没有短时间结婚的压力。我会更坚定自己的路，不要让他人的言语影响到我的心情/思路。 而且你说的关于塔罗牌能够帮助指导我们如何去做一件事，而不是像算命一样直接测算结果，其实挺好的。比如你现在告诉我了，我就更加知道能够怎样跟他相处，了解他的顾虑想法(其实他蛮vocal，相反是他会直接提出最近手头紧，不能去很贵的餐馆，然后我会建议我们在家一起买菜做饭)。 他的事业: 他工作压力还蛮大的，我们经常会讨论各自工作方面的事情。然后他们公司最近可能会被收购，他有开始找后路，怕万一新的management不好，就会换家公司。每个人工作都会有一些烦恼，没觉得他对现在的公司或者工作有什么特别不满之处。 我的工作: 最近工作中有一方面有特别大的变动，让我的日常工作变得特别烦恼(不过很多同事都收到影响，大家都在抱怨希望情况有所改变)。然后我一直希望能够加薪或者换一个薪水更高的职位(一直在留意但是还没有找到)。我们review要到明年春天呢，加薪肯定是有的，就是不知道会加多少。所以还真想不出来近期会有什么好事咧。不过承你吉言，要是真有好事我再来给你update告诉你哈。 谢谢小麦。